"Things began to change when I decided to send my papers to go on a mission. I felt ready, I felt ready."
by Wagner Santos Silveira
Bahia - Brazil
My name is Wagner Silveira Santos, I have 29 years and am a member of the church ten years ago.
Before becoming a member of the Church and I was involved with men, but was still in the stage of denial. I accepted as it was, in fact, with who I am, then living in conflict with myself. And I had in mind to change, not doing the things I thought they were wrong. Therefore, I met the missionaries, I received the talks and everything else. As he wished from the bottom of my heart to make a change in my life so I grabbed it with nails and teeth, I read the Book of Mormon, prayed and really got the long awaited answer on the Book of Mormon.
But it was not easy for me, no, baptized it was a struggle because I had a religious upbringing, born in a Christian home and from there you can imagine the madness that was in my mind! My family at that time I did not want to baptize me because they said that the Church was a sect, or told me a lot of nonsense about the Church. But I decided to be baptized, after all needed a change, I craved had prayed, I received the answer, then I did what was obvious and was baptized.
Only I did not trust them, did not know, then to protect myself decided not to mention my involvement with men. Baptism In the interview, I mean I have not lied, omitted things. But I felt bad about it, I was not a sinner, unlike the feeling after the baptism was wonderful, an incredible experience, only one in my life.
At that moment I knew what he was doing was right. The most surprising thing was how I felt, was not feeling attracted to men, I thought that my God had healed me, it was free. I was clean, pure, without sin.
But not everything is rosy in our lives ...
all began to change when I decided to send my papers to go on a mission. I felt ready, I felt ready, because until then was attracted by men, not like before, because I was controlling, did not happen immediately, but the joy that I felt was changing little by little and again I found myself thinking about men and were not missionaries, who always respected.
As I said, everything began to change when I decided to send my papers. I passed the interview with my bishop at that time and everything was fine, then he asked me a question that a member is ta tired of learning, and I said no! I never wrapped with men. But I feel bad for what I said and wanted to tell the truth because he wanted to go on a mission and wanted to be pure and clean, nothing to worry about.
Then, I decided to speak a second interview, the bishop asked me if I had long since I had sex with men. I said yes, long before I was baptized, but he turned to me and said, "Wagner, you will not go to the mission."
That to me was a tremendous shock, and everything turned into a storm, as I went Interview again, I spent some time without taking the sacraments, I passed by the disciplinary board, etc. But I still kept in the Church firm and strong.
But things began to unravel. I began to be pursued within the church, the whole stake heard about me, I began to suffer prejudice within the church. The cruelest of all. The stake president made me worst of all. I will not recount it now, because this is turning in a letter (laughs). But he threw me out of the house of a member where I was, cruel and coldly, and the member knew why, but he did what he said and made me leave the house. The point is that they were going to travel and I would take care of their sons, who at that time were small. It was then that he came in and said: "What are you doing here? Mario, get rid of here, send him home. "I was not reacting at that time because I knew what was happening or what I was doing with me.
At that moment I was no reaction, I did not know what to say, just felt the eyes of the intolerant and homophobic man. That hurt me deeply, because I am gay, but I'm not a pedophile, never was. That episode has never been erased from my mind, I dialed up today and never had suffered prejudice in my life size, and so cruel and inhuman as that. The fury of one man with a boy of 19 who had gone to that place only to help because he loved this family and they were very important to him. But the family also became involved, walked away from me without even giving an explanation or tell me why.
I walked away from the church after that, I was out for two years until I returned back to the church. Members convinced me to go back there and it was. But then still had the existential conflict in my life fighting my homosexuality. Constantly struggling to stand firm. I went again for the advice, I disassociated from the church for nearly a year but still wanted to change, would not give to win this struggle, this battle. I was readmitted, I received a call, I was president of the Sunday school, taught at the seminary and institute primary. And meanwhile, again tried to send my papers to the mission, because once again was ready to make a full-time mission.
But once everything had gone downhill, I passed by my bishop OK. But I had to go through the stake president. I forgot to mention that the former had lost its appeal because he was being investigated on charges of corruption, was a councilman in a town near mine, and had stolen a large sum of money, and besides that he did many things wrong in the church. And take into account detail, it is still a member of the Church, after all he did, only now lives in another city, but do not know if he's calling, but there should be no doubt about that.
only that it was replaced it was not, is of the same ilk as the other, that is completely homophobic and extremely homophobic. And sometimes, we have discussed, but due to his arrogance and rude way to treat people.
Anyway I passed the interview with him for the first time, all good, OK, said it would send the documents, I was very happy because I thought it was time for me as expected. Serving as a missionary.
But no, he called me on another occasion to interview and told me it would be better for me to serve in the church, as he had prayed and felt I should not send my application.
Now I ask: Did he? In my honest opinion, no. Or he was getting revenge on me because of our fights, or even for being homophobic and think that was going to throw up the missionaries? That is, it was all he had done, was almost in vain, because he remained firm and strong, once again, my dream had escaped through my hands. And once again, he was alone, frail and everything else. And once again, defeated and not knowing where to find support, I returned to involved with men. Only this time I did not talk anything with them and again I left the church.
And again, after a year (laughs), you must estarme finding a bore. Will laugh as I write, but I mean everything I did in there.
Again I passed by the council, only this time I was not only expelled from the church, but I was almost excommunicated, but I went, I was again. And there again president of the Sunday school classes at primary, etc. Only the continued conflict in my life and this time was much worse, not knowing where to turn for help, I felt alone, helpless.
and enter the start of depression. Wanted to kill me constantly. I wanted to end that feeling I felt, wanted to end the agony in which I was. And that's when I decided to find my own psychologist, which helped me to move from the stage of denial, which I think is the most dangerous phase of a person, to the acceptance stage. It was then that I began to have a change of attitude towards acceptance. This psychologist was very good, because it is not like many who try to brainwash people even more confusing to people, on the contrary, he helped me a lot.
Well, fine, if there will be no more stories, smile. I was not excommunicated or disfellowshipped from the church I am still a member of the same, but not frequent, I will from time to time.
What good is being in a place where I am discriminated against, which I do not trust anyone there?
Ah, I forgot to tell you. I had another great prejudice. Ah, details, do not believe everything that you talk to your bishop or the advice of one of them, because everything is a lie, and I know very well.
I've been accused on another occasion of pedophilia. I met a family from the church many years ago, saw his children grow up and even helped raise them, ah, but this is another family, not the one I mentioned earlier, no. The bishop, who was from another neighborhood spoke with the mother of two children and told me not to leave because I was dangerous, but do not know how a certain about that, because he never got to talk or ask me if it was true or not. Who told me that was a girl who worked at the time in the house of the mother of the children. The children's mother asked the girl if I had touched the children differently, and so on. And she said no, I had never played or done anything to children, because children were for me as a child and I never go to them wrong. And she asked why the question. And the children's mother told him that the bishop had told him not to leave children with me. But something good happened, because she did not left me, because that would kill me inside. Children, three are like children to me because I saw them in the belly of his mother, and I saw them be born and to this day I live with them. My love for them is the father. The girl who called me told me not to comment anything about it, because he feared losing their jobs, and that if she told me about it was because they did not agree with that and I said I would never enter my church, because they are homfóbicos and should not do that sort of thing, because she knows me very well and knows my character and know I never do any harm to children, or any other child. She was I shocked and even more, because he wanted to sue the church for libel and defamation.
I did not find what made me successful, how can accuse me of something that is not true and even more, spread some of that kind? But in the end did nothing for the girl, not wanting to hurt her and not to harm the church, even after people have done something so terrible to me. What made it so that I pursue that? No, I never did anything against them. Why such rage and persecution in this way? They made me a great evil in my life, but did not pay evil with evil, though I could have sued, and even making money, but "Going to have happiness? No, do not get it, what good would take money from them and not be happy?
Today I am happy, not completely, but much better than before, now I'm stronger, more sure of myself. Prepared to fight against everything and everyone who wants to hurt me and even against my friends.
Now my family knows who I am, my mother took me to a wedding of my sister, the other not, but it is another story, another chapter.
What I want is to help others like me who have suffered injury or contempt, of those who are in their appeals, in which should help and not try and prejudge people who are to them for help.
My name is Wagner, who wants to be my friend, I'm here with open arms to help and guide those who need help.
Thanks for everything and I apologize for the huge letter I have written. Oh, one more thing on my facebook page I put an article on gay and lesbian Mormons concerning the decision of the Supreme Court of California, which is causing a controversy because I have friends who are the church in which they are arguing with me and other individuals and friends who are not of the church who are gay.
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